Espejo

Last week I lost it. I've been calling out all the people who wronged me both internally and externally, as a way of liberating myself from some rotten resentment and anger, including my parents. My mom said those repeated and misunderstood words: "You're an adult, at some point, you have to stop blaming your parents." I have so many issues with this, I don't even know where to begin. ... Yes, I do: First of all, culturally, we tend to overestimate willpower.  Let's say I want to start a workout routine and just fill my head with cheap motivation from youtube, and don't really inform myself in how to personalize it: how to exercise for my body type, how to eat properly, sleep and gradually adapt those changes into my lifestyle. We tend to think willpower is simple. You just need to stay focused, you need to not be a quitter. You just need to be strong, dedicated, get your head in the game, focus on the finish line. Sometimes our minds, their ro...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP ONE "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or whatever poison you chose)- that our lives had become unmanageable" As any bibble, in any religion,  AA literature has been misconstructed into just uttering the words "hey, I'm an addict", as if just nodding to the problem was enough. For now let's stay in the first step which, surprise, my friends: this is way deeper, that's why it's the hardest one. You must admit complete defeat and surrender. Compared to admitting bankruptcy, you have to look in the mirror and say "I don't have more power, more will. I've lost all self-sufficiency and stre...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. I used to be constantly afraid.  Sometimes I still am.  Years of therapy have been necessary to make me understand some pretty simple concepts that are all wrapped up in one: humility.  Let's take it back: Growing up I felt a constant need to compete and defeat anyone and everyone against me. I couldn't handle someone's success. This sounds normal, right? What did that mean? I was against everyone all the time . I was in competition all the time and failure was unacceptable all the time. Standard day for someone suffering from anxiety. Then wonderful puberty hit and... We can unwrap this for days but basically, I was constantly judging myself and everything that came from me: any activity, word, reaction, whatever. Judging in a "what would be right?" kind of way. So my brain split in half: right and wrong. A...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. Ode to my codependent lover When I first saw you I didn't pay much attention, you were just another boy in a crowded high school, with whom I didn't have many conversations. When you first saw me, your heart raced, your jaw dropped, and your palms got sweaty. You didn't know what to say, you froze. Time went by and nothing happened. I didn't notice you, you didn't do much. How could you, when you got choked up just by being near me? How could you if your heart had already suffered enough with normal humans, what would happen with an idealized person? Years after, a simple invitation changed everything: a birthday party. Your birthday party. I went because I had nothing better to do. Now it was you who didn't notice me. Next days we talked, with innocent mockery and simple fun. Nights without sleep, clinging to ...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the eighth dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 9. LET GO OF PAIN, ANGER, AND RESENTMENT "Life is full of incredibly hard bumps that can leave us broken and bloodied. But life can also be so very stunningly beautiful, shining and radiant that you’re brought to your knees with amazing gratitude and humility at the sheer beauty and wonder of it." I think this is a dangerous statement because of the western obsession with happiness. We tend to see "negative" feelings as something wrong, something that needs to be fixed. W...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. Tonight, I can't sleep. A common thing in rehab was the use of stories and tales to help us relate to different perspectives. I remember one time, my personal psychologist was telling me one: One day, a man took his son on a trip, they walked and walked until they found a little cabin in the woods. It was dirty, small, almost looked abandoned. It was getting dark and they needed to find somewhere to sleep.  The man knocked on the door and a beautiful lady with tired eyes answered.  -My son and I have been traveling all day. We are very tired, I was hoping you would allow us to stay the night and we'll be on our way tomorrow.- He asked.  -Well, I live alone with my daughter, we're very poor and don't have much space, so you'll have to sleep on the floor, but we'll manage. Come in. They walked into the li...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the eighth dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 8. DON'T WASTE TIME ON "SHOULD" The human need of being accepted, loved, approved, etc, shapes the way we behave; being guided by others' expectations and desires towards us. Perhaps you do something you don’t actually want to do, just because someone you care about asks you to. Could be something as little as waking up a little later to not wake up your partner who is tired after a day of work to something as big as choosing your life just to please (or spite) your parents. I...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the seventh dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 7. HEAL YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY AND DON'T POISON YOURSELF WITH IT. Song: money makes the world go around - Liza Minnelli Let's do this as a psychologist would: Tell me about your childhood? My relationship with money is complicated. My grandfather had money while my mom was in university: credit cards, car, clothes, expensive university. Plus, she lived in a city where appearances matter a lot, where having is more important than being. She took pride in it. She enjoyed it. Who ...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the sixth dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . Kathy Caprino wrote: 6. DONT BREAK YOURSELF AGAINST WHAT IS. But I want to change it. 6.a DONT BREAK YOURSELF AGAINST WHO YOU ARE. We have all seen the stereotype of the frustrated housewife that is a closet smoker and a lowkey alcoholic. Or the married closeted gay man that avoids being home at all costs. The student that hates the career his parents chose for him. They all have something in common: for one, they're unhappy. But, they're all in constant denial of who they are and what th...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the fifth dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 5. GET HELP WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH OR POWER TO CHANGE WHAT'S NECESSARY. We are human. It's incredible how hard it is to grasp your mind around that concept for the first time. Way back when, before the first time I stepped into a psychologist's office, I was filled with pride on the most ridiculous aspects. I felt safe in my daily experiences without acknowledging the very essence of my humanity. You go through your day, right? And you don't think about it, you'r...

"There's a soldier trapped in a hole and he can't get out. He yells for help. A lieutenant passes by and says: "Suck it up, son. Dig deep." and throws him a shovel. The soldier does as he's told and digs that hole deeper. Obeying but not understanding. Frustrated he yells for help again. An officer comes and says: "Hell, son, use the tools you were given." and throws him a bucket. The soldier does as he's told and fills the bucket. He was just making the hole deeper. Desperate, he yells again. A doctor comes by: "Oh, I've seen this before, this will help you" and throws him some pills. The pills help, they make the hole go away. He feels better. But he's still trapped in the hole. The pills run out. He couldn't shout anymore. No hope. Finally, another soldier sees him in the hole and jumps in. They stared at each other, the new soldier was covered in mud, both of them were. "What are you doing? Now there's two...

I heard bits of his quote and it made me feel so inspired, I'll share it here... "Young folks allow themselves to simply float through life without defining their path. Time doesn't mean the same to them. Time feels like an endless promise, health feels like it will last forever and love is a new discovery. Growing older, the thickening of time becomes louder, a little more every day. You start to feel imprisoned by your decisions, your choices, the path you went on without even realizing it. You didn't choose your house, your wife, your degree. You floated, from what was told to you, you obeyed. You followed someone else because you simply didn't know better. Youth is wasted on the young because they haven't learned the value of the gift they have received: life. Life, your life matters, who you are is important and you must value it as your biggest asset, your most important possession, your only possession. So you stand up, you fight for something, yo...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the third dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 4. DON'T WASTE A SINGLE MINUTE MORE TO EXPRESS AND HONOR YOUR CREATIVITY Maybe we have polluted our minds into thinking that creativity gets in the way of productivity. I have struggled with this so much because I have always been so creative: singing, dancing, painting, writing, reading, just playing, cooking, baking, doing things that encourage problem-solving, etc. and I have constantly told myself to keep it for another moment; postponing maybe with a lie, "I want to take a course o...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the third dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 3. ENGAGE YOUR WISDOM AND DISCERNMENT WHEN YOU CHOOSE WHOM TO LOVE AND TRUST Song: Sia - Chandelier Seems simple enough. Wrong... As everything, we learn to relate, to communicate and to connect with other people based on the relationships of our younger years. To reaffirm many of these ideas of how we fit in the world, how to interact and how to react as we grow older. How your parents, siblings, teachers teach you about how they treat themselves and each other reflects on you.  For me...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the first dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 2. NEVER COMPROMISE YOUR SOUL Song: Funny by Tori Kelly This always sends me on a guilt trip, because I know I have compromised my soul many times and I feel somewhere between ashamed, sorry and sad. I know its a vicious cycle of my depression and anxiety turning on negative feelings and hiding who I am from everyone, most of the times hiding from myself. Which makes me depressed and anxious. Also, I guess it's really simple to lose sight of who you are. I have compromised my soul eve...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the first dive into  Kathy Caprino 's 9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 1. MAKE A BRAVE DECISION ABOUT WHAT YOU STAND FOR. Many people never stand for anything. Some start doing it when they're older. Why? I have two theories: One, lack of self-awareness: The journey to self-awareness is crazy scary in therapy and in a closed laboratory environment. Often you find heartache, incongruencies, blocked memories and many painful and amazing things about yourself; adding everyday life and other issues, it just makes it harder to live. I can say without a doubt that this...

I have been writing almost all my life, but I can't shake my nerves. The difference? This is public, this is for you, this is for everyone. I'm done with criticism, I'm done with hiding; I'm opening my heart and soul and putting them on display for you guys. I'm terrified because, yes, I have anxiety and depression, those horrible old ladies that have told me that I will never be good enough. However, I've learned recently that it is between this or death. I can't let the fire within me burnout. I can't accept a life of settling for survival, I'm desperate to live. This post is just to take away the fear. We'll see how it goes... For now, hey, I opened a blog!