Espejo

I recently finished my bachelor in tourism and... I felt nothing. I saw people shed tears during the ceremony, parents, other students. An ocean of emotions around me. And I felt nothing. So weird, it's usually the other way around. I remember struggling to get through one class without having to go to the bathroom and cry it out, bring it all back in, and walk again into my seat, a little ashamed, a little relief. Or sitting alone, but surrounded by people, on the bus home holding back gasps, sighs and pain. Maybe I had some relief to be done after all, maybe some shame thanks to my own impossible expectations of where I was "supposed" to be by now. I didn't feel proud, or like it was the end of an era. I didn't feel accomplished. I didn't feel like the guy who gave the valedictorian speech. I wasn't moved by the teachers who said with broken voices that this would be the beginning of our now meaningful lives. What does that even mean? So surrea...

One of the hardest things to accept when you are diagnosed with a mental illness (especially at a young age) is accepting the changes you must make to your lifestyle. Yes, being mentally ill pushes us to change to a healthier lifestyle; there's no point in fighting it. These lifestyle posts will talk about these changes, sometimes with baby but very brave steps.  Exercise Oh, yes, the many many benefits of working out; the XXI-century-media-obsession with being skinny and fit. Exercise is wonderful: Improved sleep Increased sex drive Stress relief Increased energy and stamina Weight reduction Increase mental alertness Improved cardiovascular fitness Improved physical endurance Resilience Reduced cholesterol (Sharma, 2006) But, there's a whole list of excuses I found online as to why people don't work out: The naggy ones: "I hate sweating","I hate sore muscles", "I hate being out of breath", "I hate people in the gym...

DISCLAIMER: THIS GUIDE IS EXTREMELY THOROUGH AND WILL BRING UP FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, AND EVEN PHYSICAL SENSATIONS. TAKE TIME TO COMPLETE IT AND SEEK A THERAPIST IF YOU CONSIDER IT NECESSARY. MAKE A SPACE TO MEDITATE YOUR ANSWERS AND A SPACE TO REST AFTER.  Self-awareness in this day and age is vital. It is the essence of your individuality. It is what makes you competitive in work or school, it's what makes you who you are. Adolescence is an important stage because it's when kids start to question their parents, their ways of thinking and start forming their own selves. However, some people never find themselves or lose themselves seeking external validation, social approval or because of other triggers like fear or guilt. This is the fourth part of the self-awareness questionnaires, to review the previous ones click on 1 , 2 , 3 . These questionnaires are designed to help you increase your self-awareness and your quality of life. We have defined who you are and where you wa...

DISCLAIMER: THIS GUIDE IS EXTREMELY THOROUGH AND WILL BRING UP FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, AND EVEN PHYSICAL SENSATIONS. TAKE TIME TO COMPLETE IT AND SEEK A THERAPIST IF YOU CONSIDER IT NECESSARY. IT DOES NOT REPLACE ANY KIND OF PSYCHOLOGICAL AID. MAKE A SPACE TO MEDITATE YOUR ANSWERS AND A SPACE TO REST AFTER.  Self-awareness in this day and age is vital. It is the essence of your individuality. This is important because it is what makes you competitive in work or school, it's what makes you who you are. Adolescence is an important stage because it's when kids start to question their parents, their ways of thinking and start forming their own selves. However, some people never find themselves or lose themselves seeking external validation, social approval or because of other triggers like fear or guilt. “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' 'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat. 'I don't much care where ...

DISCLAIMER: THIS GUIDE IS EXTREMELY THOROUGH AND WILL BRING UP FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, AND EVEN PHYSICAL SENSATIONS. TAKE TIME TO COMPLETE IT AND SEEK A THERAPIST IF YOU CONSIDER IT NECESSARY. IT DOES NOT REPLACE ANY KIND OF PSYCHOLOGICAL AID. MAKE A SPACE TO MEDITATE YOUR ANSWERS AND A SPACE TO REST AFTER. Self-awareness in this day and age is vital. It is the essence of your individuality. This is important because it is what makes you competitive in work or school, it's what makes you who you are. Adolescence is an important stage because it's when kids start to question their parents, their ways of thinking and start forming their own selves. However, some people never find themselves or lose themselves seeking external validation, social approval or because of other triggers like fear or guilt. This is the second part of the self-awareness questionnaire, where we'll talk about who you are today. You might find incongruencies in what you thought about you and what you ...

DISCLAIMER: THIS GUIDE IS EXTREMELY THOROUGH AND WILL BRING UP FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, AND EVEN PHYSICAL SENSATIONS. TAKE TIME TO COMPLETE IT AND SEEK A THERAPIST IF YOU CONSIDER IT NECESSARY.  IT DOES NOT REPLACE ANY KIND OF PSYCHOLOGICAL AID. MAKE A SPACE TO MEDITATE YOUR ANSWERS AND A SPACE TO REST AFTER.  Self-awareness in this day and age is vital. It is the essence of your individuality. It is what makes you competitive in work or school, it's what makes you who you are. Adolescence is an important stage because it's when kids start to question their parents, their ways of thinking and start forming their own selves. However, some people never find themselves or lose themselves seeking external validation, social approval or because of other triggers like fear or guilt. I didn't realize how little self-awareness I had until one day, in rehab, during an exercise, the description of me from others was completely different to my own. This meant that I was presenting my...

BEFORE READING THIS POST GO WATCH  "THE GOOD PLACE" ON NETFLIX. Easy clues that you hate your life: 1. You have a toxic relationship (or more than one). 2. You hate your work. 3. You're bored. 4. You complain all the time. (Linked article that I liked while researching content: https://www.joe.ie/life-style/signs-that-you-hate-your-job-so-much-that-you-need-a-get-out-now-538865) Yeah, yeah, we know. And there are a bunch of articles and stuff about that so I won't get into it. I don't want to talk about hating your life. It's shit, it's hard, but it's not so hard to notice. I want to talk about NOT loving it. Watching "The good place", the point is how torture works. They shaped horrible things to particularly turn heaven into hell for one person but managing to make it seem like heaven and I thought "Do I have things like that? Do I live life thinking this is a good life while I'm actually suffering?...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu and stigmatised subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP TWO "The main characteristic of a "typical addict" is the self-centered and narcissistic feeling of omnipotence, forever searching to maintain that inner integrity." The causes change depending on the person, but somehow, most addicts share this bloated sense of self that is merely a repeated lie. We can't accept (sometimes even grasp the understanding of) not being in control. On the last post about addiction, I talked about the second step following and explaining (my interpretation) of the AA literature; so now I'll explain a bit of how this personality defect actually manifests because that 's ...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STE P TWO "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity." As I said in the first step, AA literature has been misconstructed and misunderstood by those who enter with closed minds and hearts. That is the point of the very first step. To admit that you have failed, that you do not know everything and that not everything is under your control. Not even your life. And then, opening your mind, your perspective with humble eyes. Not to be fooled into anything but to listen and understand what accommodates you. Ok so, on the first step: You must admit complete defeat and surrender. Compared to admitting ban...

We've all heard that depression isn't about "just feeling sad" or "just tired". Then what is it really about? I've decided the best way for me to raise awareness has to be opening up on how these episodes affect me and my everyday life in these posts called: My depression today. I was first told I had depression in high school. No surprise, I was a sixteen-year-old kid who went at least once a week in PJs because I couldn't deal with choosing an outfit. Basically, I survived Monday through Thursday barely, and on Friday I would make an effort to go out to a party and self-medicate with alcohol and sex. Fun times... Not. My mom and I struggled as I gathered myself to go to therapy. It wasn't easy. Peer pressure assured me there was nothing wrong. My heart knew otherwise and my mom as well. My drinking habits escalated. Until one day, begging and crying, my mom asked me to go to see a therapist. I did. We talked. We were all relieved. For a ...

We've all heard that depression isn't about "just feeling sad" or "just tired". Then what is it really about? I've decided the best way for me to raise awareness has to be opening up on how these episodes affect me and my everyday life in these posts called: My depression today. I'll try to write up what happened in my most recent depressive episode... This was quick, steep. Just putting my feet in the water but it was hard. One I woke up, slow, with a tiny little whisper telling me to lay low today. To chill. To let go. "Hey, maybe hit snooze, just today, common. And actually, might want to skip the gym altogether. It's fine, you're not THAT fat." I see those comments and say to myself: hey, maybe, I'm just having one of those days. "Ugh, I have a huge to-do list and I haven't done anything." And there it is, slowly, like the sand falling in an hourglass, where every second makes a huge sound that ha...

We've all heard that depression isn't about "just feeling sad" or "just tired". Then what is it really about? I've decided the best way for me to raise awareness has to be opening up on how these episodes affect me and my everyday life in these posts called: My depression today. Scary movies I've always liked scaring myself. Watching scary movies at 3 am, alone at night. It took time until I realized not many people enjoy this like I do. So I started to wonder why. What did I like? What was so enjoyable to me? It's not like I enjoyed watching the fear in the actors, in a kind of psychopathic excitement, no. I feel very real anxiety as I watch the killer creep towards their prey. The horrible music trying to incite fear, and anticipation, the not-knowing. The moment of courage where the hero grabs some kind of weapon and goes like: "fuck you", and kills the monster. All the clichés and all the plot twists. I feel them deeply a...

"Love is a bridge, not a wall." Capheus Onyango - Sense 8 My mom is an amazing boss. She has grown professionally so much, especially considering the "disadvantages" she had to struggle with. She now has become the ultimate millennial boss: she validates her employees' efforts, home-office is always an option, creativity is welcome and encouraged and freedom is a constant. She is one yoga and meditation space short of being every new-age-vegan-creative-alternative-living-young person's dream. However, the other day someone asked her about working with millennials to what she answered "Omg, they're the worst, so emotional and want a participation medal every time. Entitled and whiny". Of course, as her millennial daughter, I was offended af. So I tried to figure out what's up with "us", and why we are like this: lazy, mopy, mess. And I found out, what must of us already know: we are a pretty cool generation immersed in a profu...

This year as every other mortal human, I set my new years' resolutions: writing, running, having more creative outlets and reading.  So, today I was reading my first book and one of the characters (an older guy living in Brooklyn) was commenting on how he was planning to die.  This made me realize how many of us plan our deaths, how obsessively we focus on the end game, the result, the finish line. And it's part of what I was saying about the psychology of the struggle: We are constantly suffering to get to the end result. In other words: We either sacrifice the present in name of the future or mope about the past and what it could've been.  In rehab, we used to call this a normal behavior for addicts, the main source of pain, but I haven't met anyone living any different. My family at least: when I have money, when I lose those pounds, when I have time, when I'm strong enough, blah, blah, blah.  I just realized this is the main cause of fights between me...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP ONE I got into rehab at 18 and to my surprise, I wasn't the youngest there. Age and addiction was a repeated pattern made in many conversations. Older addicts, even therapists believed that young addicts weren't going to rehabilitate as easy as a grown up, coming for the first time. It was either "they just haven't hit rock bottom, they haven't lost enough" or "they still have a lot of partying to do". At the moment this seemed bizarre, I had no actual way to relate. To me, yes, I had partied enough and I had lost plenty. But, I hadn't felt many of the things these people were saying. Sure, I've felt pa...

"Boldness implies the willingness to get things done despite risks." I've decided to make BOLD my anthem for 2018, and honestly, I keep seeing the same signs on and on: when people say it in movies or tv, I find it on social media or someone talks about it around me. FREEDOM LIES IN BEING BOLD -  Robert Frost Being bold is the end result of working through many personal issues. I compare being bold to keep the fire inside your soul lit. You have to go through every step in the AA program, starting for the very first one: admit surrender. Recognise rock bottom. There's nothing compared to meeting someone who has lived hell and made their way back. They have unique awareness, strength, and appreciation for all things in life. It's kind of falling to the end of a pool and pushing yourself once you've touched the ground. Today I was reading a book on Mexico's cultural, social and technological evolvement (México Rifado from Gabriela de la Riva) and I...

Last week I lost it. I've been calling out all the people who wronged me both internally and externally, as a way of liberating myself from some rotten resentment and anger, including my parents. My mom said those repeated and misunderstood words: "You're an adult, at some point, you have to stop blaming your parents." I have so many issues with this, I don't even know where to begin. ... Yes, I do: First of all, culturally, we tend to overestimate willpower.  Let's say I want to start a workout routine and just fill my head with cheap motivation from youtube, and don't really inform myself in how to personalize it: how to exercise for my body type, how to eat properly, sleep and gradually adapt those changes into my lifestyle. We tend to think willpower is simple. You just need to stay focused, you need to not be a quitter. You just need to be strong, dedicated, get your head in the game, focus on the finish line. Sometimes our minds, their ro...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP ONE "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or whatever poison you chose)- that our lives had become unmanageable" As any bibble, in any religion,  AA literature has been misconstructed into just uttering the words "hey, I'm an addict", as if just nodding to the problem was enough. For now let's stay in the first step which, surprise, my friends: this is way deeper, that's why it's the hardest one. You must admit complete defeat and surrender. Compared to admitting bankruptcy, you have to look in the mirror and say "I don't have more power, more will. I've lost all self-sufficiency and stre...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. I used to be constantly afraid.  Sometimes I still am.  Years of therapy have been necessary to make me understand some pretty simple concepts that are all wrapped up in one: humility.  Let's take it back: Growing up I felt a constant need to compete and defeat anyone and everyone against me. I couldn't handle someone's success. This sounds normal, right? What did that mean? I was against everyone all the time . I was in competition all the time and failure was unacceptable all the time. Standard day for someone suffering from anxiety. Then wonderful puberty hit and... We can unwrap this for days but basically, I was constantly judging myself and everything that came from me: any activity, word, reaction, whatever. Judging in a "what would be right?" kind of way. So my brain split in half: right and wrong. A...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. Ode to my codependent lover When I first saw you I didn't pay much attention, you were just another boy in a crowded high school, with whom I didn't have many conversations. When you first saw me, your heart raced, your jaw dropped, and your palms got sweaty. You didn't know what to say, you froze. Time went by and nothing happened. I didn't notice you, you didn't do much. How could you, when you got choked up just by being near me? How could you if your heart had already suffered enough with normal humans, what would happen with an idealized person? Years after, a simple invitation changed everything: a birthday party. Your birthday party. I went because I had nothing better to do. Now it was you who didn't notice me. Next days we talked, with innocent mockery and simple fun. Nights without sleep, clinging to ...