Espejo

I recently finished my bachelor in tourism and... I felt nothing. I saw people shed tears during the ceremony, parents, other students. An ocean of emotions around me. And I felt nothing. So weird, it's usually the other way around. I remember struggling to get through one class without having to go to the bathroom and cry it out, bring it all back in, and walk again into my seat, a little ashamed, a little relief. Or sitting alone, but surrounded by people, on the bus home holding back gasps, sighs and pain. Maybe I had some relief to be done after all, maybe some shame thanks to my own impossible expectations of where I was "supposed" to be by now. I didn't feel proud, or like it was the end of an era. I didn't feel accomplished. I didn't feel like the guy who gave the valedictorian speech. I wasn't moved by the teachers who said with broken voices that this would be the beginning of our now meaningful lives. What does that even mean? So surrea...

One of the hardest things to accept when you are diagnosed with a mental illness (especially at a young age) is accepting the changes you must make to your lifestyle. Yes, being mentally ill pushes us to change to a healthier lifestyle; there's no point in fighting it. These lifestyle posts will talk about these changes, sometimes with baby but very brave steps.  Exercise Oh, yes, the many many benefits of working out; the XXI-century-media-obsession with being skinny and fit. Exercise is wonderful: Improved sleep Increased sex drive Stress relief Increased energy and stamina Weight reduction Increase mental alertness Improved cardiovascular fitness Improved physical endurance Resilience Reduced cholesterol (Sharma, 2006) But, there's a whole list of excuses I found online as to why people don't work out: The naggy ones: "I hate sweating","I hate sore muscles", "I hate being out of breath", "I hate people in the gym...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu and stigmatised subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP TWO "The main characteristic of a "typical addict" is the self-centered and narcissistic feeling of omnipotence, forever searching to maintain that inner integrity." The causes change depending on the person, but somehow, most addicts share this bloated sense of self that is merely a repeated lie. We can't accept (sometimes even grasp the understanding of) not being in control. On the last post about addiction, I talked about the second step following and explaining (my interpretation) of the AA literature; so now I'll explain a bit of how this personality defect actually manifests because that 's ...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STE P TWO "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity." As I said in the first step, AA literature has been misconstructed and misunderstood by those who enter with closed minds and hearts. That is the point of the very first step. To admit that you have failed, that you do not know everything and that not everything is under your control. Not even your life. And then, opening your mind, your perspective with humble eyes. Not to be fooled into anything but to listen and understand what accommodates you. Ok so, on the first step: You must admit complete defeat and surrender. Compared to admitting ban...

This year as every other mortal human, I set my new years' resolutions: writing, running, having more creative outlets and reading.  So, today I was reading my first book and one of the characters (an older guy living in Brooklyn) was commenting on how he was planning to die.  This made me realize how many of us plan our deaths, how obsessively we focus on the end game, the result, the finish line. And it's part of what I was saying about the psychology of the struggle: We are constantly suffering to get to the end result. In other words: We either sacrifice the present in name of the future or mope about the past and what it could've been.  In rehab, we used to call this a normal behavior for addicts, the main source of pain, but I haven't met anyone living any different. My family at least: when I have money, when I lose those pounds, when I have time, when I'm strong enough, blah, blah, blah.  I just realized this is the main cause of fights between me...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP ONE I got into rehab at 18 and to my surprise, I wasn't the youngest there. Age and addiction was a repeated pattern made in many conversations. Older addicts, even therapists believed that young addicts weren't going to rehabilitate as easy as a grown up, coming for the first time. It was either "they just haven't hit rock bottom, they haven't lost enough" or "they still have a lot of partying to do". At the moment this seemed bizarre, I had no actual way to relate. To me, yes, I had partied enough and I had lost plenty. But, I hadn't felt many of the things these people were saying. Sure, I've felt pa...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. I overheard a conversation about a third person that was dropping out from school. I paid close attention to what they were saying because I have considered dropping out many times. The common use of words like "weak", "stupid", "waste of time/money/energy", "disappointment" (even though they were talking about a friend of them) among other negative terms, made it impossible for me to not take it personally. I felt every word as if my family and close friends were telling me those things. Then those words came out: "he just can't handle the struggle", And here comes the midnight rant: "No pain, no gain." Why do we believe this? When did our lives became an exchange of sacrifice for pleasure? Why do we believe that in order to have something good we have to suffer all the ...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP ONE "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or whatever poison you chose)- that our lives had become unmanageable" As any bibble, in any religion,  AA literature has been misconstructed into just uttering the words "hey, I'm an addict", as if just nodding to the problem was enough. For now let's stay in the first step which, surprise, my friends: this is way deeper, that's why it's the hardest one. You must admit complete defeat and surrender. Compared to admitting bankruptcy, you have to look in the mirror and say "I don't have more power, more will. I've lost all self-sufficiency and stre...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. I used to be constantly afraid.  Sometimes I still am.  Years of therapy have been necessary to make me understand some pretty simple concepts that are all wrapped up in one: humility.  Let's take it back: Growing up I felt a constant need to compete and defeat anyone and everyone against me. I couldn't handle someone's success. This sounds normal, right? What did that mean? I was against everyone all the time . I was in competition all the time and failure was unacceptable all the time. Standard day for someone suffering from anxiety. Then wonderful puberty hit and... We can unwrap this for days but basically, I was constantly judging myself and everything that came from me: any activity, word, reaction, whatever. Judging in a "what would be right?" kind of way. So my brain split in half: right and wrong. A...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. Ode to my codependent lover When I first saw you I didn't pay much attention, you were just another boy in a crowded high school, with whom I didn't have many conversations. When you first saw me, your heart raced, your jaw dropped, and your palms got sweaty. You didn't know what to say, you froze. Time went by and nothing happened. I didn't notice you, you didn't do much. How could you, when you got choked up just by being near me? How could you if your heart had already suffered enough with normal humans, what would happen with an idealized person? Years after, a simple invitation changed everything: a birthday party. Your birthday party. I went because I had nothing better to do. Now it was you who didn't notice me. Next days we talked, with innocent mockery and simple fun. Nights without sleep, clinging to ...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. Tonight, I can't sleep. A common thing in rehab was the use of stories and tales to help us relate to different perspectives. I remember one time, my personal psychologist was telling me one: One day, a man took his son on a trip, they walked and walked until they found a little cabin in the woods. It was dirty, small, almost looked abandoned. It was getting dark and they needed to find somewhere to sleep.  The man knocked on the door and a beautiful lady with tired eyes answered.  -My son and I have been traveling all day. We are very tired, I was hoping you would allow us to stay the night and we'll be on our way tomorrow.- He asked.  -Well, I live alone with my daughter, we're very poor and don't have much space, so you'll have to sleep on the floor, but we'll manage. Come in. They walked into the li...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the fifth dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 5. GET HELP WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH OR POWER TO CHANGE WHAT'S NECESSARY. We are human. It's incredible how hard it is to grasp your mind around that concept for the first time. Way back when, before the first time I stepped into a psychologist's office, I was filled with pride on the most ridiculous aspects. I felt safe in my daily experiences without acknowledging the very essence of my humanity. You go through your day, right? And you don't think about it, you'r...

"There's a soldier trapped in a hole and he can't get out. He yells for help. A lieutenant passes by and says: "Suck it up, son. Dig deep." and throws him a shovel. The soldier does as he's told and digs that hole deeper. Obeying but not understanding. Frustrated he yells for help again. An officer comes and says: "Hell, son, use the tools you were given." and throws him a bucket. The soldier does as he's told and fills the bucket. He was just making the hole deeper. Desperate, he yells again. A doctor comes by: "Oh, I've seen this before, this will help you" and throws him some pills. The pills help, they make the hole go away. He feels better. But he's still trapped in the hole. The pills run out. He couldn't shout anymore. No hope. Finally, another soldier sees him in the hole and jumps in. They stared at each other, the new soldier was covered in mud, both of them were. "What are you doing? Now there's two...