Midnight rant: Kill the cow
Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants.
Tonight, I can't sleep.
A common thing in rehab was the use of stories and tales to help us relate to different perspectives.
Tonight, I can't sleep.
A common thing in rehab was the use of stories and tales to help us relate to different perspectives.
I remember one time, my personal psychologist was telling me one:
One day, a man took his son on a trip, they walked and walked until they found a little cabin in the woods. It was dirty, small, almost looked abandoned. It was getting dark and they needed to find somewhere to sleep.
The man knocked on the door and a beautiful lady with tired eyes answered.
-My son and I have been traveling all day. We are very tired, I was hoping you would allow us to stay the night and we'll be on our way tomorrow.- He asked.
-Well, I live alone with my daughter, we're very poor and don't have much space, so you'll have to sleep on the floor, but we'll manage. Come in.
They walked into the little cabin and settled in a corner.
- I'd love to offer you some water or something to eat but we only have this skinny cow to milk and we already drank today's portion.
They went to bed while the father and son slept next to the skinny cow. The following day, they went back home.
Several years later, the man asked his son:
- Do you remember that trip we took to the forest?
- Yes.
- I have to show you something.
They went back to the place where the little cabin used to be to find a beautiful lawn and a house. The man knocked on the door and the same beautiful lady opened the door. She smiled.
- Good afternoon, we're sorry to bother you again, you might not even remember us but I just wanted to ask you how you raised the money to build this house.
She let them in and offered tea, they sat down to admire the artwork in the living room, the fancy design, the beautiful home.
-The day you left, our cow died. We didn't have anything else. We didn't have anything else to eat or a way to earn money. We ate the meat, used the skin but we had to find a way to survive. I noticed some rare flowers in the back of the house and I went to sell them in town, with that money we bought some paint and my daughter began painting while I did my best to plant those flowers, and to find other options of income. My daughter's paintings are amazing, as you can see. They sold like hot bread, and the flowers bloomed quick. She moved out and is now living on her own studying arts. I stayed home and I still plant those flowers among other vegetables. I'm so happy that cow died, or my daughter would've never been inspired to paint, and I would've never found those flowers that now flood town with their wonderful smell...
They finished the tea, thanked the lady and went back home.
- Son, now, here's the lesson I want to share with you. I killed that cow. I had to do it. They were accustomed to survival and forgot that life was to be lived. It was necessary for them.
The son looked at him appalled by the confession.
- What cow do you need to kill to find your true potential?
...
My psychologist stared at me for a while.
- So, what's your cow?
- Uhm, I honestly don't know...
(We'll talk about finding answers to the hard questions later.)
....
Skip to four years later and I know exactly what my cow is:
My biggest cow is my codependent relationships.
Starting with my family, friends and romantic relationships.
Let me clarify: I don't intend to say how they all wronged me and how I was used and abused, I am just as responsible for those relationships. They are a two-way street. I'm extremely insecure, self-conscious and scared. I have always had a debilitating need for attention, recognition, and approval. Creating exhausting vicious cycles that some of these people didn't even know we had.
I have shaped myself into what they expected and wanted of me so many times I lost track and now I'm terrified of living my truth (mainly because I'm still getting to know that truth). Some relationships have to be reshaped and some have to be permanently eliminated. Although reshaping now, feels just like negotiating with the cow to give me less milk so I can do my best or if it could just kill itself, that'd be great...
Note to self: I have to write about steps to go through this because it's been like a five-year trip, and it would be amazing to help other suffering codependents.
Right now, I'm paralyzed by fear. I'm somewhere between killing myself, running to the forest and see what happens or killing the cow. And the three options seem just as liberating and scary.
Killing my cow would mean to break up several relationships that have been there for so much, ups and downs, people that I do care about and love.
Right now... I can't sleep
- I'd love to offer you some water or something to eat but we only have this skinny cow to milk and we already drank today's portion.
They went to bed while the father and son slept next to the skinny cow. The following day, they went back home.
Several years later, the man asked his son:
- Do you remember that trip we took to the forest?
- Yes.
- I have to show you something.
They went back to the place where the little cabin used to be to find a beautiful lawn and a house. The man knocked on the door and the same beautiful lady opened the door. She smiled.
- Good afternoon, we're sorry to bother you again, you might not even remember us but I just wanted to ask you how you raised the money to build this house.
She let them in and offered tea, they sat down to admire the artwork in the living room, the fancy design, the beautiful home.
-The day you left, our cow died. We didn't have anything else. We didn't have anything else to eat or a way to earn money. We ate the meat, used the skin but we had to find a way to survive. I noticed some rare flowers in the back of the house and I went to sell them in town, with that money we bought some paint and my daughter began painting while I did my best to plant those flowers, and to find other options of income. My daughter's paintings are amazing, as you can see. They sold like hot bread, and the flowers bloomed quick. She moved out and is now living on her own studying arts. I stayed home and I still plant those flowers among other vegetables. I'm so happy that cow died, or my daughter would've never been inspired to paint, and I would've never found those flowers that now flood town with their wonderful smell...
They finished the tea, thanked the lady and went back home.
- Son, now, here's the lesson I want to share with you. I killed that cow. I had to do it. They were accustomed to survival and forgot that life was to be lived. It was necessary for them.
The son looked at him appalled by the confession.
- What cow do you need to kill to find your true potential?
...
My psychologist stared at me for a while.
- So, what's your cow?
- Uhm, I honestly don't know...
(We'll talk about finding answers to the hard questions later.)
....
Skip to four years later and I know exactly what my cow is:
My biggest cow is my codependent relationships.
Starting with my family, friends and romantic relationships.
Let me clarify: I don't intend to say how they all wronged me and how I was used and abused, I am just as responsible for those relationships. They are a two-way street. I'm extremely insecure, self-conscious and scared. I have always had a debilitating need for attention, recognition, and approval. Creating exhausting vicious cycles that some of these people didn't even know we had.
I have shaped myself into what they expected and wanted of me so many times I lost track and now I'm terrified of living my truth (mainly because I'm still getting to know that truth). Some relationships have to be reshaped and some have to be permanently eliminated. Although reshaping now, feels just like negotiating with the cow to give me less milk so I can do my best or if it could just kill itself, that'd be great...
Note to self: I have to write about steps to go through this because it's been like a five-year trip, and it would be amazing to help other suffering codependents.
Right now, I'm paralyzed by fear. I'm somewhere between killing myself, running to the forest and see what happens or killing the cow. And the three options seem just as liberating and scary.
Killing my cow would mean to break up several relationships that have been there for so much, ups and downs, people that I do care about and love.
Right now... I can't sleep
It’s hard to give up things, and more if you believe that thing, relationship, or place is vital, needed or useful since we all seem to have the urge to accumulate. Recently I found a documentary about two friends that decide they are carrying to much stuff. It’s called after an architectural style: Minimalists. They have many explanations for it, like traveling light, live in a clean space where they can really focus on the important without getting distracted by that plenty of things that own you. It’s interesting. Others believe that you have to make room to be able to get new things and keep what is really necessarily for you, that have meaning and you really use. You should watch it and I need to start practicing it.
ResponderEliminar