Espejo

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STE P TWO "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity." As I said in the first step, AA literature has been misconstructed and misunderstood by those who enter with closed minds and hearts. That is the point of the very first step. To admit that you have failed, that you do not know everything and that not everything is under your control. Not even your life. And then, opening your mind, your perspective with humble eyes. Not to be fooled into anything but to listen and understand what accommodates you. Ok so, on the first step: You must admit complete defeat and surrender. Compared to admitting ban...

We've all heard that depression isn't about "just feeling sad" or "just tired". Then what is it really about? I've decided the best way for me to raise awareness has to be opening up on how these episodes affect me and my everyday life in these posts called: My depression today. I was first told I had depression in high school. No surprise, I was a sixteen-year-old kid who went at least once a week in PJs because I couldn't deal with choosing an outfit. Basically, I survived Monday through Thursday barely, and on Friday I would make an effort to go out to a party and self-medicate with alcohol and sex. Fun times... Not. My mom and I struggled as I gathered myself to go to therapy. It wasn't easy. Peer pressure assured me there was nothing wrong. My heart knew otherwise and my mom as well. My drinking habits escalated. Until one day, begging and crying, my mom asked me to go to see a therapist. I did. We talked. We were all relieved. For a ...

We've all heard that depression isn't about "just feeling sad" or "just tired". Then what is it really about? I've decided the best way for me to raise awareness has to be opening up on how these episodes affect me and my everyday life in these posts called: My depression today. I'll try to write up what happened in my most recent depressive episode... This was quick, steep. Just putting my feet in the water but it was hard. One I woke up, slow, with a tiny little whisper telling me to lay low today. To chill. To let go. "Hey, maybe hit snooze, just today, common. And actually, might want to skip the gym altogether. It's fine, you're not THAT fat." I see those comments and say to myself: hey, maybe, I'm just having one of those days. "Ugh, I have a huge to-do list and I haven't done anything." And there it is, slowly, like the sand falling in an hourglass, where every second makes a huge sound that ha...

We've all heard that depression isn't about "just feeling sad" or "just tired". Then what is it really about? I've decided the best way for me to raise awareness has to be opening up on how these episodes affect me and my everyday life in these posts called: My depression today. Scary movies I've always liked scaring myself. Watching scary movies at 3 am, alone at night. It took time until I realized not many people enjoy this like I do. So I started to wonder why. What did I like? What was so enjoyable to me? It's not like I enjoyed watching the fear in the actors, in a kind of psychopathic excitement, no. I feel very real anxiety as I watch the killer creep towards their prey. The horrible music trying to incite fear, and anticipation, the not-knowing. The moment of courage where the hero grabs some kind of weapon and goes like: "fuck you", and kills the monster. All the clichés and all the plot twists. I feel them deeply a...

THIS IS NOT (only) ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN In the last two years, I've been blessed with the opportunity of traveling. A lot can be said about travels, and I probably will... But for now, I'll just focus on one thing: luggage. I left from Mexico to Australia with 30 kilos of clothing that didn't match the weather at all. I came back with almost 60 kilos of stuff I HAD to buy to protect me from windy New South Wales. Coming back home, I entered my room and when I opened my drawers it was like the best Christmas ever. All those things I couldn't take with me, were there, waiting. "Hello, nice top, hello, sexy skirt, OMG, hello shoes." Some things didn't fit but I decided to give it a try in a couple of months when I got back to my routine. I got used to my clothes and my old room again, with a new perspective. And time went by. I left Mexico City to San José del Cabo with the same suitcase I took to Australia. Not using most of the things I packed, and jus...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP ONE I got into rehab at 18 and to my surprise, I wasn't the youngest there. Age and addiction was a repeated pattern made in many conversations. Older addicts, even therapists believed that young addicts weren't going to rehabilitate as easy as a grown up, coming for the first time. It was either "they just haven't hit rock bottom, they haven't lost enough" or "they still have a lot of partying to do". At the moment this seemed bizarre, I had no actual way to relate. To me, yes, I had partied enough and I had lost plenty. But, I hadn't felt many of the things these people were saying. Sure, I've felt pa...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. I overheard a conversation about a third person that was dropping out from school. I paid close attention to what they were saying because I have considered dropping out many times. The common use of words like "weak", "stupid", "waste of time/money/energy", "disappointment" (even though they were talking about a friend of them) among other negative terms, made it impossible for me to not take it personally. I felt every word as if my family and close friends were telling me those things. Then those words came out: "he just can't handle the struggle", And here comes the midnight rant: "No pain, no gain." Why do we believe this? When did our lives became an exchange of sacrifice for pleasure? Why do we believe that in order to have something good we have to suffer all the ...

Last week I lost it. I've been calling out all the people who wronged me both internally and externally, as a way of liberating myself from some rotten resentment and anger, including my parents. My mom said those repeated and misunderstood words: "You're an adult, at some point, you have to stop blaming your parents." I have so many issues with this, I don't even know where to begin. ... Yes, I do: First of all, culturally, we tend to overestimate willpower.  Let's say I want to start a workout routine and just fill my head with cheap motivation from youtube, and don't really inform myself in how to personalize it: how to exercise for my body type, how to eat properly, sleep and gradually adapt those changes into my lifestyle. We tend to think willpower is simple. You just need to stay focused, you need to not be a quitter. You just need to be strong, dedicated, get your head in the game, focus on the finish line. Sometimes our minds, their ro...

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP ONE "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or whatever poison you chose)- that our lives had become unmanageable" As any bibble, in any religion,  AA literature has been misconstructed into just uttering the words "hey, I'm an addict", as if just nodding to the problem was enough. For now let's stay in the first step which, surprise, my friends: this is way deeper, that's why it's the hardest one. You must admit complete defeat and surrender. Compared to admitting bankruptcy, you have to look in the mirror and say "I don't have more power, more will. I've lost all self-sufficiency and stre...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. I used to be constantly afraid.  Sometimes I still am.  Years of therapy have been necessary to make me understand some pretty simple concepts that are all wrapped up in one: humility.  Let's take it back: Growing up I felt a constant need to compete and defeat anyone and everyone against me. I couldn't handle someone's success. This sounds normal, right? What did that mean? I was against everyone all the time . I was in competition all the time and failure was unacceptable all the time. Standard day for someone suffering from anxiety. Then wonderful puberty hit and... We can unwrap this for days but basically, I was constantly judging myself and everything that came from me: any activity, word, reaction, whatever. Judging in a "what would be right?" kind of way. So my brain split in half: right and wrong. A...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. Ode to my codependent lover When I first saw you I didn't pay much attention, you were just another boy in a crowded high school, with whom I didn't have many conversations. When you first saw me, your heart raced, your jaw dropped, and your palms got sweaty. You didn't know what to say, you froze. Time went by and nothing happened. I didn't notice you, you didn't do much. How could you, when you got choked up just by being near me? How could you if your heart had already suffered enough with normal humans, what would happen with an idealized person? Years after, a simple invitation changed everything: a birthday party. Your birthday party. I went because I had nothing better to do. Now it was you who didn't notice me. Next days we talked, with innocent mockery and simple fun. Nights without sleep, clinging to ...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the eighth dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 9. LET GO OF PAIN, ANGER, AND RESENTMENT "Life is full of incredibly hard bumps that can leave us broken and bloodied. But life can also be so very stunningly beautiful, shining and radiant that you’re brought to your knees with amazing gratitude and humility at the sheer beauty and wonder of it." I think this is a dangerous statement because of the western obsession with happiness. We tend to see "negative" feelings as something wrong, something that needs to be fixed. W...

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. Tonight, I can't sleep. A common thing in rehab was the use of stories and tales to help us relate to different perspectives. I remember one time, my personal psychologist was telling me one: One day, a man took his son on a trip, they walked and walked until they found a little cabin in the woods. It was dirty, small, almost looked abandoned. It was getting dark and they needed to find somewhere to sleep.  The man knocked on the door and a beautiful lady with tired eyes answered.  -My son and I have been traveling all day. We are very tired, I was hoping you would allow us to stay the night and we'll be on our way tomorrow.- He asked.  -Well, I live alone with my daughter, we're very poor and don't have much space, so you'll have to sleep on the floor, but we'll manage. Come in. They walked into the li...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the eighth dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 8. DON'T WASTE TIME ON "SHOULD" The human need of being accepted, loved, approved, etc, shapes the way we behave; being guided by others' expectations and desires towards us. Perhaps you do something you don’t actually want to do, just because someone you care about asks you to. Could be something as little as waking up a little later to not wake up your partner who is tired after a day of work to something as big as choosing your life just to please (or spite) your parents. I...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the seventh dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . 7. HEAL YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY AND DON'T POISON YOURSELF WITH IT. Song: money makes the world go around - Liza Minnelli Let's do this as a psychologist would: Tell me about your childhood? My relationship with money is complicated. My grandfather had money while my mom was in university: credit cards, car, clothes, expensive university. Plus, she lived in a city where appearances matter a lot, where having is more important than being. She took pride in it. She enjoyed it. Who ...

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them?  It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe". Here´s the sixth dive into  Kathy Caprino 's  9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife . Kathy Caprino wrote: 6. DONT BREAK YOURSELF AGAINST WHAT IS. But I want to change it. 6.a DONT BREAK YOURSELF AGAINST WHO YOU ARE. We have all seen the stereotype of the frustrated housewife that is a closet smoker and a lowkey alcoholic. Or the married closeted gay man that avoids being home at all costs. The student that hates the career his parents chose for him. They all have something in common: for one, they're unhappy. But, they're all in constant denial of who they are and what th...

"There's a soldier trapped in a hole and he can't get out. He yells for help. A lieutenant passes by and says: "Suck it up, son. Dig deep." and throws him a shovel. The soldier does as he's told and digs that hole deeper. Obeying but not understanding. Frustrated he yells for help again. An officer comes and says: "Hell, son, use the tools you were given." and throws him a bucket. The soldier does as he's told and fills the bucket. He was just making the hole deeper. Desperate, he yells again. A doctor comes by: "Oh, I've seen this before, this will help you" and throws him some pills. The pills help, they make the hole go away. He feels better. But he's still trapped in the hole. The pills run out. He couldn't shout anymore. No hope. Finally, another soldier sees him in the hole and jumps in. They stared at each other, the new soldier was covered in mud, both of them were. "What are you doing? Now there's two...