Money, money, money

Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them? 

It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe".

Here´s the seventh dive into Kathy Caprino's 9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife.

7. HEAL YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY AND DON'T POISON YOURSELF WITH IT.

Song: money makes the world go around - Liza Minnelli

Let's do this as a psychologist would: Tell me about your childhood?

My relationship with money is complicated.
My grandfather had money while my mom was in university: credit cards, car, clothes, expensive university. Plus, she lived in a city where appearances matter a lot, where having is more important than being. She took pride in it. She enjoyed it. Who wouldn't? She married my dad, and to say the least, money didn't come easy. Ever. My mom has been forever lowkey obsessed with possessions and envy. She has worked her ass off to provide and is frustrated that she couldn't afford the life she had for us.
My dad constantly felt neglected economically by his dad and struggles with money because he is constantly doing what is right in a world that is wrong.
They split up and my mom has worked hard to provide for my siblings and me. She is now starting to treat herself traveling and buying herself stuff. My dad has been judged as a failure because he isn't economically successful, and I remember a time where I was brainwashed into thinking that he (as a whole) was a failure for that. As if your capability of making money was a way to measure your worth.
Growing up, I was always the poor friend. I never had money and I'm pretty strict about savings. I got in an expensive high school thanks to an uncle who believed in me at the time, and I was the broke friend. I couldn't afford to party and go where my friends went. I felt a lot of pressure to have and be what they had and were. They went on fancy vacations, talked about Europe once a year. Traveling and spending like it was nothing.
I remember going shopping with my uncle or my mom and I would get so upset and frustrated because I knew I couldn't afford everything I wanted. My inner child doing a tantrum. I couldn't pick something and be happy. I grabbed a bunch of clothes, tried them on and then choosing. What? I can't take it all? So I wouldn't walk out of the store grateful with the one or two items, I would walk out with the feeling of not having the ten other things I tried on.
Another issue: I kept buying clothes that didn't actually fit me, they fit who I wanted to be, the skinnier, taller, hotter version; not the real me.
Result: My closet is full of shit that doesn't make me happy. Or even fit me.
As I have perceived it: people are fucking scared of money or completely driven towards it.

I live in a country that is corrupted by money and possessions. Politicians that would give water instead of chemo to kids with cancer just to make money. I know friends and family who could do basically anything for money. People that would say, no joke, that their capability of making money is what defines their worth. I have thought of that. I've been frozen by economic fear. I have considered the lengths I'd go for money, and I remember having a conversation with friends and thinking "well, I would have a sugar daddy pay for college", as in "I would sell myself to the highest bidder".
My mom hasn't been fair about money. I depend on her economically. Let's say I need medication ASAP, and I have money. She says "buy it and I'll pay you back" and she doesn't. In her mind, my money is her money anyway, but, I just spent half of my year's savings on something I wouldn't have and I'm not getting it back. I feel self-conscious about admitting my dependance being that I'm a grown ass woman that "should" have a job and money of her own and not depend on mommy. So not having money makes me feel weak and embarrassed, powerless.
I have experience saving although after saving for months or years I spend it on loans. I rarely spend money on myself with the exception of cigarettes and coffee because drugs are necessary to survive.
Money makes the world go around and it's horrible.

What is in your history with money is holding you back from having a healthy relationship with money?
It has to do with authority as well, I think. The people that have the money are the authority, and you're basically their bitch.

• Somehow I feel that to make money you have to do something unpleasant. Like it's part of the grind, like a trade "I'll suffer and then get rewarded" instead of, doing something you love and simply it allowing you to keep doing it. 
• I have been so afraid of lacking money that I've convinced myself that being a trophy wife is worth the economic safety. I'll do whatever you want, I'll be your companion and I'll give you what you want if you buy me shit and I have a place to live. 
• My response to fear is to freeze. Money scares me. So I paralyze. I can't work, I can't function properly because my relationship with money is so broken. What does it even mean? So you pay me to do a job, do I do it like I want to do it, or should I do what you ask and how you ask just because you're paying for it? I don't even comprehend money. Mainly because all of the bosses I've had have treated me like I'm a machine. I tell you to do something and I pay you to do it like I say you do. I always feel like there's no easy way. 
• I sabotaged my one happy job where I was actually loving it. Everything felt so right, it completely freaked me out. What? You're treating me like a human? You're listening to me? You value what I say? What? So, I fucked it up and got myself fired within the week. I couldn't handle that. 
• Money makes me crazy. If I have money I have to spend it. On whatever. Who cares. It's for spending. And not having money makes me desperate. Powerless, little and scared. Dependent. 

I've been raised to worship money. And sacrifice so much for it. From what you want to who you are.

Of course, whoever has money and hasn't sacrificed as much as I, deserves my rooted hatred and envy. 

Are you merchandise? Do you treat yourself like that? 

If you do, that's fine, as I've said, I have no judgment for how other people choose to live their lives, but, are you doing it consciously?

Analyze bits of Kathy Caprino's 9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife.

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