Going from a size 0 to 6

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THIS IS NOT (only) ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN

In the last two years, I've been blessed with the opportunity of traveling. A lot can be said about travels, and I probably will... But for now, I'll just focus on one thing: luggage.

I left from Mexico to Australia with 30 kilos of clothing that didn't match the weather at all. I came back with almost 60 kilos of stuff I HAD to buy to protect me from windy New South Wales.
Coming back home, I entered my room and when I opened my drawers it was like the best Christmas ever. All those things I couldn't take with me, were there, waiting. "Hello, nice top, hello, sexy skirt, OMG, hello shoes." Some things didn't fit but I decided to give it a try in a couple of months when I got back to my routine.
I got used to my clothes and my old room again, with a new perspective.
And time went by.
I left Mexico City to San José del Cabo with the same suitcase I took to Australia. Not using most of the things I packed, and just leaving a bunch of stuff back.

- a lot can be said about what I learned about packing clothes. - 

 Coming back home, I entered my room and when I opened my drawers it was like the best Christmas ever again. All those things I couldn't take with me, were there, waiting. "Hello, nice top, hello, sexy skirt, OMG, hello shoes." Same feeling, all over again. It was great.

But. As I was trying to choose an outfit for a night out I realized... Nothing fits.
Wait, but I planned for this, maybe, my after-Christmas-fat-clothes fit.
My bras? No. Jeans, no. Shirts, no. Jackets? No. What?
NOTHING FITS.
So, I walked straight to my mother's closet and of course, I didn't like anything.

Growing up I had a problem gaining weight. I wouldn't call it an eating disorder because I've read and heard about the symptoms and I don't think I felt that way. I didn't deprive myself of food I just wasn't hungry. I didn't have obsessive thoughts or recurring actions. Anyway, the point is that I never understood friends saying they had issues with their bodies, weight, and dieting because I didn't have that "problem". I was size 00 until I turned 15 when I gained a lot of weight one summer (like 10 kg) and became 0.
I stayed 0 for a long long time.
Maybe a couple of years ago (I was probably 20) I was a size 2. But I could still fit into a 0. A little tight but, sure.
But now, really, really, I couldn´t get anything past my thighs.
After the much-expected-feminine-stereotype breakdown: "I'm fat and nobody loves me." I started thinking I couldn't have gained so much weight in a couple of months, there's no way these pants used to fit. There's no way they don't fit now.

I took all of my clothes out and stared at them.
I'm not going out tonight.

I started picking up things, one by one.
Some things had been there for years, saved because "maybe someday they will fit again", but some things were honestly child-sized...
I took a hard look and separated what could and what couldn't fit... What I would and what I honestly wouldn't wear.
More than half of my clothes didn't fit or I didn't want it. Yet I clung to them so hard, that I was keeping (hoarding) almost 70 kgs of useless shit. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I saw the three full bags of clothing.

I don't want to talk about material attachment per se, but what I'm learning from this is that I was completely wrong in how I was perceiving myself. For years.

If we consider non-verbal communication and how we chose to present ourselves to the world, I kept putting on labels, with types of clothing on me, collecting, like trying to fill an internal void, and not realizing that I wasn't even satisfying the external part. I didn't even like the clothing I was choosing. It didn't matter, it was something.
I was in an endless search for identity, independence and strength in everything someone gave me or I bought. I realized I had only costumes: what part was I going to portray that day, with whom? Completely void of meaning.

I can now see how completely wrong I was.
I went shopping and was amazed by finding things that actually fit my body and the way I want to portray myself.

And I realize now, it's not something that happened over these couple of months in Cabo, I actually have been a bigger size for years thinking I wasn't.

I'm left with just one very clear (and just a little troubling) thought:

If I haven't been able to dress with the right size, how wrong am I about every other aspect of my life?

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