Love and trust

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Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them? 

It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe".

Here´s the third dive into Kathy Caprino's 9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife.

3. ENGAGE YOUR WISDOM AND DISCERNMENT WHEN YOU CHOOSE WHOM TO LOVE AND TRUST

Song: Sia - Chandelier
Seems simple enough. Wrong...
As everything, we learn to relate, to communicate and to connect with other people based on the relationships of our younger years. To reaffirm many of these ideas of how we fit in the world, how to interact and how to react as we grow older. How your parents, siblings, teachers teach you about how they treat themselves and each other reflects on you. 

For me, violence is an old companion. Violence has been common among family, friends, and relationships. The thing is, you set a line, a standard of how people should treat you, according to previous experiences, your comfort zone, and secondary winnings (for instance, whatever you earn from being a victim). It has been important for me to start from the inside out: I will have to show others how I expect to be treated. I haven't mastered the art of not being violent with myself although I have tried to be more positive. I still humiliate, punish, harm and guilt trip myself, I still put myself through unnecessary torture. 
At my worst, before my depression was diagnosed and realizing what kind of help I needed (because I did have a therapist, just the wrong fit); I didn't care about me at all. I remember putting myself in constant danger situations because I honestly couldn't care less what would happen. Whatever harm could come my way (mainly sexual abuse) was a part of the routine. Nothing could touch me and nothing could hurt me more than what I was doing to myself. 
I was pretty much like that song: 
Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down
I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
Throw em back, till I lose count
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
And if I did that to myself why would I care about how people treat me? How could I if I had no self-esteem whatsoever.

I had, and still have, to learn how to love and trust myself first.
Gratitude, admiration, freedom, respect; patience, comprehension, space. That's what I need to give myself before choosing who will have access to my heart, who will be a part of my life, who will have hee privilege to enjoy my company. 

Who do I need to cut away from my life?
It's important to do a cleanse. Sometimes cleanses have to go deeper than cleaning your pores, and deleting fuckboys. I've seen many people struggle with this question but it doesn't pain me as much as it once did. Four years ago, after high school I got separated from many of my friends, only to make that gap bigger by going into rehab. After that, during uni, I had basically no friends. And I cut my social circle to 3 people plus my family (living with me). Then I left for an exchange period and coming back, I had to say goodbye to everyone there, and I didn't do much effort to reconnect with people back home. 
Right now? I have more people but I know their hearts, trust and love them deeply. I have very few meaningless interactions because I've made an effort to keep them rich. 

Time is valuable, time is so much more than money, so don't feel bad for being picky about who you spend yours with.

Fragment of "9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife" by Kathy Caprino.

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