Midnight rant: Finding you

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants.

I used to be constantly afraid. 
Sometimes I still am. 
Years of therapy have been necessary to make me understand some pretty simple concepts that are all wrapped up in one: humility. 

Let's take it back:
Growing up I felt a constant need to compete and defeat anyone and everyone against me. I couldn't handle someone's success. This sounds normal, right?
What did that mean? I was against everyone all the time. I was in competition all the time and failure was unacceptable all the time.
Standard day for someone suffering from anxiety.
Then wonderful puberty hit and... We can unwrap this for days but basically, I was constantly judging myself and everything that came from me: any activity, word, reaction, whatever. Judging in a "what would be right?" kind of way. So my brain split in half: right and wrong. And I started judging others as well.
I called it "the cool girl complex":
I set my standard pretty high: you have to look cool, be cool, be funny, witty and all the external, superficial parts of being a cool girl, of course, you have to be likable to boys sometimes even girls. Then, because I wouldn't "reduce" myself to being just superficial, I also had to be smart, talented, deep and somewhat hurt from life, have some acceptable dents that just made me more interesting. Then the physical aspects; of course, I had to look attractive, to say the least. That was what I expected from me on a daily basis. So, what I expected from other people was the same (or sometimes a higher standard).
Slowly I became so judgemental that almost nothing was acceptable. Every thought was a negative mean comment on someone, regarding whatever they were doing, saying, wearing. All the time. I couldn't stop.

One day in AA, someone told me "I think you drink to allow yourself to do what you want to do because you couldn't do it sober. Doing those things sober would be wrong on your scale. I think you need alcohol to shut down that voice inside you that tells you you're wrong."
Many years later it sank in. I started realizing how much time and effort I wasted on judging people. Clothes that don't match, certain comments, the way someone talked, the things someone liked. And I did the same to myself, promoting the belief that I was perfect and couldn't fail.
Until I "failed" (big time), and then I wasn't perfect. I broke for the first time. I was on the other extreme of the spectrum: I was horrible, everything I did or didn't do was wrong and therefore, I kept making the same mistakes. All over. Hurting myself constantly because I wasn't worthy of anything else. Beating me up for every decision. Making me a cozy personal hell.
It had to stop. Please.

It was easier to start from the outside. It was easier to stop judging others and then taking the trip inwards.
Basic self-help advice: you might succeed or fail, there's no guarantee so you might as well do what you want to do.

Hell, also.
Because suddenly I realized I didn't exist. I was the sum of everything my parents, family, and figures of authority had taught me. I didn't know what I enjoyed and what bothered me, I didn't know my limits, my weaknesses, and my strengths. I didn't know me, so I had no prerogative. What was I going to stand for and defend if I don't even know who I am?
Getting to know me has been shit. It's been scary. And very often, to my confusion, it's been contradictory (change is a constant).
I've tried to be brave about it, but most of the time it's just... too much.
Uncovering hidden pain and pleasure that leaves you exhausted, having physical consequences from the discovery. Hell.

I was trying to write something upbeat but actually, finding yourself isn't upbeat at all. Most of the times you will find pain and horrible secrets hidden in the depths of your mind. And once you feel done you're not, because it never ends until you die...

Haha, cool midnight rant. Not depressive at all. But hey, we can't be upbeat all the time...