Let's talk about addiction: First step

Addiction is a mental illness. 
It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts. 

STEP ONE

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or whatever poison you chose)- that our lives had become unmanageable"

As any bibble, in any religion,  AA literature has been misconstructed into just uttering the words "hey, I'm an addict", as if just nodding to the problem was enough.
For now let's stay in the first step which, surprise, my friends: this is way deeper, that's why it's the hardest one.
You must admit complete defeat and surrender. Compared to admitting bankruptcy, you have to look in the mirror and say "I don't have more power, more will. I've lost all self-sufficiency and strength. I have nothing left inside me. I am empty, I am defeated." You must acknowledge that you have crumbled into pieces. You must recognize your humanity.

That sounds horrible. Why is it necessary?

Do you have one of those drawers in your house that just, gets full of stuff and you promise you will clean it, and you will do something about it, and you keep making it a new years resolution that never comes true? In here, that drawer is a huge room where you live. That drawer is inside you, as well. That drawer has accumulated pain, anger, sadness, and horrible things about you. But you keep ignoring it. And it acts up. The drawer blows up because it's filling up with bacteria, it opens to let some stuff out that you pick up and put it back in. You put a lock on it, to make sure it doesn't open again, but it does. and again, and again. You invite people over and you're terrified the drawer will open in their presence. The drawer seems to be alive. It seems to rule you now. You isolate yourself because now you feel ashamed of not having found a solution before. Someone reaches out and offers you their help, while you get offended by their audacity. How dare they say you have something to hide? Only certain people have drawers and of course, not me. But it keeps pilling up. You can't hide it. Anxiety now is a daily issue, depression too. You feel alone because no one is going through that. You feel strange, undeserving, weak. You feel broken. You feel wrong. But it would be worse to just admit it...

The first step isn't saying "oh, yeah, I have a messy drawer haha, yeah, we all do, haha", the first step is saying: "Yes I have a messy drawer and I have neglected it for years now, and I can't open it, I can't close it. I can't deal with it, I don't know what to do with it, it's consuming my life and killing me slowly."

Only then, can you start to treat yourself, only then can you give yourself the best gift ever: freedom.

To be honest, it's a step that I have to take very often. Because your brain, your relationships, and the society we live on, have taught us to hide those drawers.

Today my surrender goes something like this:
"Hello, my name is Roxana and I'm an addict.
I can't say that my poison of choice is merely alcohol because sometimes it's sex, sometimes it's cigarettes, coffee or sometimes exercising. Sometimes it's just compulsive thinking, sometimes I'm addicted to someone. Sometimes I'm addicted to messy things, sometimes I'm addicted to being tidy. Sometimes I'm addicted to myself. Or school, or writing, painting. Or the smell of the paint.
I'm addicted to my mental illness: I'm addicted to my depression, I'm addicted to victimization and self-pity. I'm addicted to the falling spirals of my life and the negative impressions of others. I'm addicted to fucking up, apparently.
I can't do it anymore, I can't just stop doing it though, my life isn't up to me anymore, I can't live like this. I'm not happy, I'm not free. I constantly think about taking my life because I see no point in continuing this pain. I constantly feel like a waste of space, air, and water. I can't do this anymore."

So, what are you addicted to?

                                                                                                     Keep reading about the first step or jump ahead to the second step