Let's talk about addiction: Personality check

Addiction is a mental illness. 
It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu and stigmatised subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts. 

STEP TWO

"The main characteristic of a "typical addict" is the self-centered and narcissistic feeling of omnipotence, forever searching to maintain that inner integrity."

The causes change depending on the person, but somehow, most addicts share this bloated sense of self that is merely a repeated lie. We can't accept (sometimes even grasp the understanding of) not being in control.

On the last post about addiction, I talked about the second step following and explaining (my interpretation) of the AA literature; so now I'll explain a bit of how this personality defect actually manifests because that 's the tricky part.

In my case, the last time I caught myself going down this rabbit hole was in my last job but I'll mix this train of thought with other times.

First, I keep building irrational expectations of myself and spend an exhausting amount of time obsessing about "preparation" instead of doing what is required. I keep researching what is the absolute best way to achieve my goal. I prepare, step by step. Mentally, emotionally, physically. Maybe I'll even procrastinate because I've been preparing so much I'm already anxious and scared to start.
When I finally get to it, I start big, with a lot of commitment, ideas, small goals. I am the best. Everything goes as planned and I'm perfect. I overachieve.
With a couple of weeks I start to feel the burn, I start to feel tired, I start to slack on what I think isn't too important. I start to lose acceleration. This usually has a blowback: lack of results, maybe someone says something about my work quality... First of all, I feel offended. I lose motivation, I feel frustrated and sometimes even angry. Why aren't things working out if I busted myself for weeks? I made everything to create the perfect scenario and it's just not what I want or what I expected. I don't feel how I was supposed to feel, maybe I feel tired, or get sick and I just don't understand why I feel this way. Anxiety builds up because of my own obsessive thinking pressures me.
Maybe I give up.
Maybe I push through. And if I push through, this way of thinking might begin all over again or, might continue as a quiet voice inside my head.
Resentment builds up. Why didn't she go through what I am going through? They have it so easy.
Then I feel scared or maybe even paranoid because as I try to control things they keep falling apart.
By this point, my depression will start to knock on my door. I'll ignore it and pretend it isn't there. Or maybe let it come in and commiserate for a while.
Eventually, and lately, this will end with the contemplation of suicide because nothing ever goes right even if I feel like I'm doing my best. I feel so angry and sad and disappointed with myself that the obsessive thinking can't stop. And I can't keep living like this. I need to change it or end it.

Reflecting on the second step has made realize how bloated my ego is but also how sneaky it is. When I started writing in this blog, I never intended to tell someone how to live their lives, I never wanted to preach anything, I never felt bigger, stronger or more important than anyone. But, I know that for myself, I would've appreciated a lot some guidance on what I was going through. Also, I know that speaking about mental illness and addiction is crucial in this growing society of mentally ill. So, I didn't think I was a self-centered narcissist. I mean, I know I have low self-esteem and constantly sabotage myself, that is the opposite of maintaining inner integrity. Right? Yes, but, all that thinking process that goes on constantly, is just an example of how important I think I am, that if I prepare, the result will be the expected. Honestly, life rarely goes that way. How little I trust life and God and myself, to let go and just be in the moment instead of obsessing about things that aren't "right".

Step two is a liberation statement. "You are not in control" can cause you anxiety, but surely will release you from responsibility, it will allow you to trust, breathe and let go.