Compromising your soul

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Have you given a hard and honest look at those things that surround you? Do you like them? Or more importantly, did you choose them? 

It's never too late to analyze where we are standing in order to redefine our course. Amazingly I found a wonderful life coach that actually shares content that goes deeper than "trust your inner you" and "listen to the universe".

Here´s the first dive into Kathy Caprino's 9 crucial life lessons to learn before midlife.


2. NEVER COMPROMISE YOUR SOUL

Song: Funny by Tori Kelly

This always sends me on a guilt trip, because I know I have compromised my soul many times and I feel somewhere between ashamed, sorry and sad. I know its a vicious cycle of my depression and anxiety turning on negative feelings and hiding who I am from everyone, most of the times hiding from myself. Which makes me depressed and anxious. Also, I guess it's really simple to lose sight of who you are.

I have compromised my soul every time I decided that being liked is more important than being myself. Every time I put my reputation above my prerogative. Every time I didn't listen to that voice inside me and decided to follow someone else. 
I have done that with every talent I now realize I have, almost every opinion I have ever had, some thoughts, some beliefs, some feelings... 
I compromised my soul when I said yes while I really wanted to say no. From being friends with that girl that didn't actually care for me and doing what I could to belong to her group, from going to that party, wearing that dress, putting on that eyeshadow. Drinking those tequila shots, kissing that guy and a couple of times having sex with that guy. Being friends with people that weren't actually my friends, trusting them, loving them, investing in them. Being in an abusive relationship, and believing all the things that came out of his mouth. All those times I believed that I wasn't a good enough writer, singer, dancer, performer, student, daughter; and by believing it, giving up. 
I don't want to say I had nothing to do with these things and that they happened to me. I'm not a victim of every experience in my life. I play an important part. The most important part of my life - I am the protagonist. However, I allowed these to happen because I honestly didn't know better. But now I do. So now, I'm obliged to not do it anymore. 
Before agreeing to not do this anymore, I must forgive myself for the times I have done this. Also to detect it, before I take one of the biggest steps ever.
Somehow the belief of not being enough has rooted so much in my mind and heart that I have pretended to be so many different people. I have been a hippie, a rocker, a devoted student, a rebel, everything in between and all the usual process of finding a sense of identity (that every teenager goes through) but I mistook it for covering the existing sense of identity I had. 
It's no secret that I feel damaged, that I have had to repair myself many times. But, many times instead of repairing, I hid things under the carpet, covered them with paint and said they were healed. Many times I was conscious of doing that, and many times I wasn't.

To be sincere, I have sold my soul so many times I don't even know what it is anymore. I know some parts of it, but not in its entirety. Getting to know it, getting to know me, somehow has scared me so much I simply closed the door.

I should start by defining it...

"Know what keeps your spirit alive, and honor that with all you've got." 

That's quite obvious: I need me to keep me alive. And the very essence of who I am depends on certain things. 
My essence, my soul needs respect, needs love, needs creativity, but overall my essence requires time and space to connect. I need nurture, I need growth. Productive time with someone special or with myself. 
By productive, I mean no Netflix. I mean yoga, reading, writing, painting, singing, or meaningfully connecting.

"What do you need to keep your spirit alive?"

Fragment of "9 Essencial life lessons to learn before midlife" by Kathy Caprino


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