Midnight rant: the psychology of the struggle
Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants.
I overheard a conversation about a third person that was dropping out from school. I paid close attention to what they were saying because I have considered dropping out many times. The common use of words like "weak", "stupid", "waste of time/money/energy", "disappointment" (even though they were talking about a friend of them) among other negative terms, made it impossible for me to not take it personally. I felt every word as if my family and close friends were telling me those things.
Then those words came out: "he just can't handle the struggle",
And here comes the midnight rant:
"No pain, no gain."
Why do we believe this?
When did our lives became an exchange of sacrifice for pleasure?
Why do we believe that in order to have something good we have to suffer all the way through? We have to sell ourselves to the devil? We have to do things we simply don't want to?
I'm not saying work is dumb or pointless. I'm not saying we shouldn't make an effort. I'm not saying life is easy.
I'm saying that work should be a gift within itself. Work should be enjoyable.
The effort should be rooted, boosted and finished by the intrinsic will that comes from the search of pleasure.
Life should and could be easier if we just enjoyed it.
What if we could make a living out of the things we live for?
And yeah, we hear it all the time: find your passion, find your fire and you won't work a day in your life. Yeah, we all know that. But we're also terrified of being those risk takers, of doing the shit we've been told we can't do. You can't drop out, you can't do this or the other. Don't be weak, don't waste that time/money/energy. You can't do that. You can't change paths. You can't be an engineer or you can't be an artist... Maybe people around you have made negative comments and you haven't even realized that they don't know you, your fire or your pursuit, so it feels personal when it's just talking to the air (not a personal experience at all).
Maybe your family rooted in you the idea that you need certain amounts of money to survive/be happy/be successful. Maybe you feel too old. Maybe you feel like you don't have what it takes. Maybe you just feel like you can't compete.
Same happens in relationships. Romantic or not. Relationships are complicated. Relationships take time, patience and tolerance. Yes. But they shouldn't feel like a burden every day. They shouldn't make life harder all the time. They shouldn't feel like a trap. You shouldn't feel like you need to escape.
And the same goes with everything in life.
In high school, I dated a couple of fitness obsessed guys and I hated it. They were constantly counting calories and talking about new methods for bulking or losing "extra" weight (not extra at all) or the cool new superfood like quinoa, or something. I never had the urge to exercise or diet. I never committed, first of all, because I've had more of an underweight problem (which wasn't pointed out in our society, shocker), and second of all because whenever I tried I started to get stressed, depressed and with a lot more anxiety than what I started with. So, I'd just be a bitch about it and try and get them to quit. Not precisely because I was mean, and was testing them or whatever, more like being selfish and unaware of the harm I was causing. I just didn't want to be the only one eating fries.
Right after high school, I started following workout accounts just to watch their workout videos, and diets and think I would do that someday while I sat there for hours eating something for the anxiety I got just from thinking about doing something like that. Then, I started to put on some weight, I felt really self-conscious and then decided to start working out. Death. I didn't want to do it. I wasn't doing it because I was taking care of my body or because I wanted more energy or strength. No, I was doing it because I couldn't bear the daily self-loathing. So I turned it into sweat. Horrible. It was a true struggle.
So I would power through, and then quit for a while and so I did that for like five years. Diet half of the year, and bounce back. Suffer half, and still suffer the other half.
One of those accounts posted something about building a life you don't need a break from. This was probably like three years ago, to say the least, and still, it stayed with me. I haven't been able to completely grasp the concept of just enjoying life. All the time. What? No, blood deal with Satan? Maybe I get eternal mental peace and a family member dies or something like that? Just enjoying, what?
Ok, so, enjoying time with myself; being creative and getting to know (and like) myself.
Enjoying time with my friends, instead of having panic attacks and social anxiety.
Enjoying my family instead of pretending not to count the minutes until I leave.
Enjoying work and hobbies instead of focusing on productivity.
Enjoying my boyfriend instead of fixating all my issues onto him.
What?
Actually having the life you want to live? Is that a thing? Does it even exist?...
Well, 2018, we don't know yet but we shall try.
xoxo.
I overheard a conversation about a third person that was dropping out from school. I paid close attention to what they were saying because I have considered dropping out many times. The common use of words like "weak", "stupid", "waste of time/money/energy", "disappointment" (even though they were talking about a friend of them) among other negative terms, made it impossible for me to not take it personally. I felt every word as if my family and close friends were telling me those things.
Then those words came out: "he just can't handle the struggle",
And here comes the midnight rant:
"No pain, no gain."
Why do we believe this?
When did our lives became an exchange of sacrifice for pleasure?
Why do we believe that in order to have something good we have to suffer all the way through? We have to sell ourselves to the devil? We have to do things we simply don't want to?
I'm not saying work is dumb or pointless. I'm not saying we shouldn't make an effort. I'm not saying life is easy.
I'm saying that work should be a gift within itself. Work should be enjoyable.
The effort should be rooted, boosted and finished by the intrinsic will that comes from the search of pleasure.
Life should and could be easier if we just enjoyed it.
What if we could make a living out of the things we live for?
And yeah, we hear it all the time: find your passion, find your fire and you won't work a day in your life. Yeah, we all know that. But we're also terrified of being those risk takers, of doing the shit we've been told we can't do. You can't drop out, you can't do this or the other. Don't be weak, don't waste that time/money/energy. You can't do that. You can't change paths. You can't be an engineer or you can't be an artist... Maybe people around you have made negative comments and you haven't even realized that they don't know you, your fire or your pursuit, so it feels personal when it's just talking to the air (not a personal experience at all).
Maybe your family rooted in you the idea that you need certain amounts of money to survive/be happy/be successful. Maybe you feel too old. Maybe you feel like you don't have what it takes. Maybe you just feel like you can't compete.
Same happens in relationships. Romantic or not. Relationships are complicated. Relationships take time, patience and tolerance. Yes. But they shouldn't feel like a burden every day. They shouldn't make life harder all the time. They shouldn't feel like a trap. You shouldn't feel like you need to escape.
And the same goes with everything in life.
In high school, I dated a couple of fitness obsessed guys and I hated it. They were constantly counting calories and talking about new methods for bulking or losing "extra" weight (not extra at all) or the cool new superfood like quinoa, or something. I never had the urge to exercise or diet. I never committed, first of all, because I've had more of an underweight problem (which wasn't pointed out in our society, shocker), and second of all because whenever I tried I started to get stressed, depressed and with a lot more anxiety than what I started with. So, I'd just be a bitch about it and try and get them to quit. Not precisely because I was mean, and was testing them or whatever, more like being selfish and unaware of the harm I was causing. I just didn't want to be the only one eating fries.
Right after high school, I started following workout accounts just to watch their workout videos, and diets and think I would do that someday while I sat there for hours eating something for the anxiety I got just from thinking about doing something like that. Then, I started to put on some weight, I felt really self-conscious and then decided to start working out. Death. I didn't want to do it. I wasn't doing it because I was taking care of my body or because I wanted more energy or strength. No, I was doing it because I couldn't bear the daily self-loathing. So I turned it into sweat. Horrible. It was a true struggle.
So I would power through, and then quit for a while and so I did that for like five years. Diet half of the year, and bounce back. Suffer half, and still suffer the other half.
One of those accounts posted something about building a life you don't need a break from. This was probably like three years ago, to say the least, and still, it stayed with me. I haven't been able to completely grasp the concept of just enjoying life. All the time. What? No, blood deal with Satan? Maybe I get eternal mental peace and a family member dies or something like that? Just enjoying, what?
Ok, so, enjoying time with myself; being creative and getting to know (and like) myself.
Enjoying time with my friends, instead of having panic attacks and social anxiety.
Enjoying my family instead of pretending not to count the minutes until I leave.
Enjoying work and hobbies instead of focusing on productivity.
Enjoying my boyfriend instead of fixating all my issues onto him.
What?
Actually having the life you want to live? Is that a thing? Does it even exist?...
Well, 2018, we don't know yet but we shall try.
xoxo.
Quitter
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