Espejo

We've all heard that depression isn't about "just feeling sad" or "just tired". Then what is it really about? I've decided the best way for me to raise awareness has to be opening up on how these episodes affect me and my everyday life in these posts called: My depression today. I'll try to write up what happened in my most recent depressive episode... This was quick, steep. Just putting my feet in the water but it was hard. One I woke up, slow, with a tiny little whisper telling me to lay low today. To chill. To let go. "Hey, maybe hit snooze, just today, common. And actually, might want to skip the gym altogether. It's fine, you're not THAT fat." I see those comments and say to myself: hey, maybe, I'm just having one of those days. "Ugh, I have a huge to-do list and I haven't done anything." And there it is, slowly, like the sand falling in an hourglass, where every second makes a huge sound that ha

Why "mentally ill millennials"? Honestly, sounded funny and cool with the right amount of whiny-teen-feel. Also, the SEO. But, on top of everything, that's what I am, and that's what I'm hoping this blog will attract. I am tagging myself as a mentally ill millennial because I am 23, with severe chronic depression and mild anxiety. It's a fact. I resent the notion of this subject being some sort of fashion, a product; something people consume, something I'm selling to people to stop and whine and feel bad about ourselves and live horrible lives and drive us towards suicide. This isn't something I sell. This is my life. This is my struggle and this is my fight every day. I'm not even trying to sell you my story. I'm trying to reach people that suffer the same illness. People who share my pain. In order to find a solution that will help us all. I'm trying to do my best with what I've been through and turn it into hope. For y

We've all heard that depression isn't about "just feeling sad" or "just tired". Then what is it really about? I've decided the best way for me to raise awareness has to be opening up on how these episodes affect me and my everyday life in these posts called: My depression today. Scary movies I've always liked scaring myself. Watching scary movies at 3 am, alone at night. It took time until I realized not many people enjoy this like I do. So I started to wonder why. What did I like? What was so enjoyable to me? It's not like I enjoyed watching the fear in the actors, in a kind of psychopathic excitement, no. I feel very real anxiety as I watch the killer creep towards their prey. The horrible music trying to incite fear, and anticipation, the not-knowing. The moment of courage where the hero grabs some kind of weapon and goes like: "fuck you", and kills the monster. All the clichés and all the plot twists. I feel them deeply a

This week I'm free-lancing and helping out my mom. And I haven't stopped thinking about the generation gap. I've noticed one huge difference in how our minds work differently: Motivation. I'll briefly explain the carrot and stick theory in the context I'm referring to:  If a man is driving a cart pulled by a mule, he might hit it with a stick to get it to move or offer a carrot for it to advance. So, basically using punishment and reward to encourage a behavior. You could use both, maybe one or the other. The end game is the result. Then, I've noticed, at least for my mom and me, have completely different reactions to the carrot and the stick theory. My mom and her generation are pretty used to the stick, all the time. They have learned to survive emotionally to the constant ache of the stick. They have an easier time accepting and obeying orders. They adapt easily, are natural problem solvers and productive. They know hard work and don't complain.

THIS IS NOT (only) ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN In the last two years, I've been blessed with the opportunity of traveling. A lot can be said about travels, and I probably will... But for now, I'll just focus on one thing: luggage. I left from Mexico to Australia with 30 kilos of clothing that didn't match the weather at all. I came back with almost 60 kilos of stuff I HAD to buy to protect me from windy New South Wales. Coming back home, I entered my room and when I opened my drawers it was like the best Christmas ever. All those things I couldn't take with me, were there, waiting. "Hello, nice top, hello, sexy skirt, OMG, hello shoes." Some things didn't fit but I decided to give it a try in a couple of months when I got back to my routine. I got used to my clothes and my old room again, with a new perspective. And time went by. I left Mexico City to San José del Cabo with the same suitcase I took to Australia. Not using most of the things I packed, and jus

More. We always want more. More money, more friends, be more, do more. But we forget something very important. Every more is a less. Easy to explain: More of some priority equals less of another. So we must choose wisely. What do we truly want more of? "2018 will be my bitch." And I filled my schedule with things I needed to get done. More exercise, healthier eating, more water, more love, more authenticity, to be bolder, more organization, more clarity... Yes, all that. And more, but I also want less. I actually want less money. Fewer people around me. Less noise and fewer distractions. I want less partying. This year, I want clarity. The thing is, to achieve it, to have it. I must give up so many things. Some will hurt. Some won't. And some will just confuse me. In the midst of giving up these things, hoping for something better to come along, I'm assuming I won't feel anything like clarity. I'm guessing it'll be like stepping into the thicke

"Love is a bridge, not a wall." Capheus Onyango - Sense 8 My mom is an amazing boss. She has grown professionally so much, especially considering the "disadvantages" she had to struggle with. She now has become the ultimate millennial boss: she validates her employees' efforts, home-office is always an option, creativity is welcome and encouraged and freedom is a constant. She is one yoga and meditation space short of being every new-age-vegan-creative-alternative-living-young person's dream. However, the other day someone asked her about working with millennials to what she answered "Omg, they're the worst, so emotional and want a participation medal every time. Entitled and whiny". Of course, as her millennial daughter, I was offended af. So I tried to figure out what's up with "us", and why we are like this: lazy, mopy, mess. And I found out, what must of us already know: we are a pretty cool generation immersed in a profu

This year as every other mortal human, I set my new years' resolutions: writing, running, having more creative outlets and reading.  So, today I was reading my first book and one of the characters (an older guy living in Brooklyn) was commenting on how he was planning to die.  This made me realize how many of us plan our deaths, how obsessively we focus on the end game, the result, the finish line. And it's part of what I was saying about the psychology of the struggle: We are constantly suffering to get to the end result. In other words: We either sacrifice the present in name of the future or mope about the past and what it could've been.  In rehab, we used to call this a normal behavior for addicts, the main source of pain, but I haven't met anyone living any different. My family at least: when I have money, when I lose those pounds, when I have time, when I'm strong enough, blah, blah, blah.  I just realized this is the main cause of fights between me

Addiction is a mental illness.  It has all the characteristics of a mental illness along with being a tabu subject, and therefore a hidden conversation between families and friends. These posts regarding addiction urge to raise awareness and understanding of the process of AA, common behaviors and personality traits of addicts.  STEP ONE I got into rehab at 18 and to my surprise, I wasn't the youngest there. Age and addiction was a repeated pattern made in many conversations. Older addicts, even therapists believed that young addicts weren't going to rehabilitate as easy as a grown up, coming for the first time. It was either "they just haven't hit rock bottom, they haven't lost enough" or "they still have a lot of partying to do". At the moment this seemed bizarre, I had no actual way to relate. To me, yes, I had partied enough and I had lost plenty. But, I hadn't felt many of the things these people were saying. Sure, I've felt pa

"Boldness implies the willingness to get things done despite risks." I've decided to make BOLD my anthem for 2018, and honestly, I keep seeing the same signs on and on: when people say it in movies or tv, I find it on social media or someone talks about it around me. FREEDOM LIES IN BEING BOLD -  Robert Frost Being bold is the end result of working through many personal issues. I compare being bold to keep the fire inside your soul lit. You have to go through every step in the AA program, starting for the very first one: admit surrender. Recognise rock bottom. There's nothing compared to meeting someone who has lived hell and made their way back. They have unique awareness, strength, and appreciation for all things in life. It's kind of falling to the end of a pool and pushing yourself once you've touched the ground. Today I was reading a book on Mexico's cultural, social and technological evolvement (México Rifado from Gabriela de la Riva) and I

Sometimes I can't sleep and I write unfiltered unedited stuff that pop in my mind; I call these creativity and energy peaks: midnight rants. I overheard a conversation about a third person that was dropping out from school. I paid close attention to what they were saying because I have considered dropping out many times. The common use of words like "weak", "stupid", "waste of time/money/energy", "disappointment" (even though they were talking about a friend of them) among other negative terms, made it impossible for me to not take it personally. I felt every word as if my family and close friends were telling me those things. Then those words came out: "he just can't handle the struggle", And here comes the midnight rant: "No pain, no gain." Why do we believe this? When did our lives became an exchange of sacrifice for pleasure? Why do we believe that in order to have something good we have to suffer all the